The Time I Peed My Pants, On Stage

Each spring the 3rd and 4th graders at my school participate in a month long “stay healthy” walking and nutrition program.   We compete against local schools to see who can log the most walking steps for the month.  We always do very well and have been the winners of the competition several times.  A few years back when we won, Radio Disney came to our school for a fun assembly/concert to celebrate our success.

The assembly was interactive and there came a time when the MC asked for “teacher participants” to come up on stage.  I accepted with two other teachers. 

Here’s my memory of what happened next:

So we get onto the stage and the MC announces that the three of us are going to have a jump roping contest.

It sounded more like jjuummpp rrooppiinngg contest as if the world had slowed and his words were stretched and exagerrated.

Have you had a baby?  Then you know where this story is headed.

The contest was for the three of us to jump for one minute straight, while our jumps were being counted by a Radio Disney worker.  I remember I was wearing army green khakis and the jumping began.

Jump.

Jump.

Jump.

Jump. Squeeze.

Jump.  Squeeze.

Oh my Lord, the squeezing isn’t working, I thought panic stricken.

I was five jumps in and already sweating with fear of self-urination.

I looked out into the crowd of my beloved students and again it was like everything was in slow motion.

Juuuuuummpp!!!!.….. the  children were cheering……..Yyeeaahh Mmrrss. Mmmmmmm

Jump. Squeeze.

Jump.

Pee.

Oh my God.

Jump.

Pee.

Oh My God.

Jump.

Seriously pee is going down my leg.

So I purposely tripped myself with the rope so I could stop.

I gave an “Awww shucks, finger snap” look toward the crowd…..

And then…….What????

Why are they cheering for me to start again????

This is the longest minute ever.

My co-workers are smiling, jumping, and laughing because I “fell”.

Since the longest minute ever wasn’t nearing an end apparently, I then had to pretend that there was a “situation” with my shoe.

So I pretended to struggle with my shoe for a few seconds like an asshole clown, with wet underwear .

Finally about an hour later, the minute was up.

“Awww shucks, finger snap” again and I climbed down the stage steps and left the gym to go into the bathroom.

The severity of the “accident” was to the degree that I had to throw my underwear in the garbage.

I tried to see the damage done to my army green khakis and I think it was mostly right in my crotch and down the inner part of my pants.

That’s what I think at least.  I never did get any great confirmation on that.

So I go back into the gym and decide I must stand in the back for the rest of the assembly, legs spread wide, standing like a man, in hopes of a little drying off.

I see the assistant principal standing back there also.  I walk over and tell her I peed my pants on stage.  She snorted.

The story has been rehashed several times in the teacher’s lounge. 

It’s always grand to poke fun at the lady who clearly did not do her kegels.

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